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Thursday, January 31, 2008

[O/T] Stay Classy, Even When Frozen Solid

From one of today's local newspapers, a columnist's thoughts on two neighboring cities. Names redacted. I wonder if you can guess where I live. There's more than a little truth to this, btw...

A while ago I wrote that [Town A] was a girls town and [Town B] was a guys town and that it wasn't possible for a guy to have fun in [Town A]. A good time, maybe, but not "fun."

The bars, the restaurants, the shopping, they're all driven by women who think you can have fun on a cruise ship. The guys who go to [Town A] bars are usually in their late 30s, early 40s, they've had their wild times, and now they just want to sit in a quiet bar and wonder at what point their life took such a horrid turn.

Conversely, [Town B] is a guys town. The bars are mostly guy bars and the women who go to them are [Town B] women. Tattoos, ill-fitting belly shirts, last year's shoes, and massive amounts of cleavage are the fashion du jour and these women are LOUD. Seeing an otherwise good looking woman whistle through her fingers to get someone's attention is not an uncommon occurrence in a [Town B] bar.

Note: I'm not saying one town is better than the other, I'm just making observations.

The differences became apparent to me again this week when I looked at the scheduled events for the [Town A] Winter fest and the [Town B] Snow fest.

On the surface the events appear quite similar but it's the inherently female undertones of the [Town A] events that really stand out. It seems everything in [Town A] has to have a little soccer mom twist to it that lets everyone know who's in charge. The events have to be clever in a way that will let women who use the word "scrapbook" as a verb think they're living on the edge.

Take, for instance, The Hamster Race. Kooky little soccer moms wearing North Face vests, tied back hair, tights, fur lined boots and a Ralph Lauren baseball hat, watch as their children race hamsters. Hellz-a-poppin! Not one of the women actually likes watching hamsters race but it makes for such a good story when having coffee at Panera Bread. I can't imagine anyone in [Town B] even suggesting a hamster race.

Sticking with the animal theme, there is, of course, the Family Dog Pull. This time the women in the tights and fur boots bounce up and down while drinking hot chocolate as the family dog (a thoroughbred) drags little Taylor through the snow. I actually had to attend this event once for a column I was writing and here's what happens: they stick a little kid on a sled, the dog takes off, the kid hangs on for a while before falling into the snow and everyone laughs. Wheee.

The beer tent is where the difference is the most notable. [Town B's]Snow fest beer tent consists of beer and a tent. [Town A] can't have that. They have to have a Luau Tent. Everyone is supposed to dress up like they're in Hawaii. They pass out leis at the door, and people are wearing flip-flops as they tromp through the slush created when you put a tent on top of snow and then heat the area to 6,000 degrees.

The big advantage [Town A] has, though, is the proximity of the tent to all the downtown bars. The disadvantage is at various points in the night people from the beer tent walk through those bars pounding on five gallon buckets trying to lure bar patrons over to the beer tent. It's what I call "Aspen fun," the imagination meter is set firmly on "sorority."



What do you suppose the author has against soccer moms, anyway?

1 comment:

Uncle Bracelet said...

The author must have banged a fatty soccer mom once and has all sorts of pent up embarrassment about it. Now he's taking it out on all soccer moms.

(Sung in the Tune of A Sharp)

Holland is to me
Picking blueberries
In the promise land
Green card in my hand

Enjoy!