The following is a decidedly uncompensated review of ABC's Tuesday night lineup.
I was forced into watching TV last night by an unexpected and decidedly unpleasant bout of food poisoning. Since I get all of three and a half channels (PBS only counts as 1/2) and none of them had anything that I'd normally even consider watching, I went with the best reception. ABC it was.
I'd really, really like that hour and forty-five minutes of my life back.
First up, the end of the worst Charlie Brown Christmas Special ever made. Not even close to coherent. Tolerable, though. It's hard to get mad at Peanuts.
At 9:00, it's the premiere of the brand new comedy, "Big Day!"
9:01 pm -- I discover that the batteries in the remote are dead and I'm too ill to get up and turn it off, no matter how badly I want to do so.
I want it off badly. Desparately, even.
In a nutshell: This is the worst show I've ever seen. Ever. I really wonder what the pitch meeting was like -- "We'll take a chick flick that some guys find tolerable ('Father of the Bride'), suck out any actual humor, add some lame jokes about salad and blindess, get someone who looks like Nikki Cox except for the rack to play the lead, mix in the style of 24 -- just like 'Groundhog Day In The Hood', also on ABC -- and just layer on enough wacky, over-the-top crap to make people think it's funny! We'll use the 'What's Happening' theme song as a gag! Comedy gold!"
I thought I was sick before I started watching. By the end, I was ready to check myself into the E.R. and beg for horse tranquilizers.
ABC, please consider beating the crap out of anyone associated with writing, directing or producing this show. I'll give the actors a pass, but that's just because I'm feeling generous. They sucked too.
9:30 pm -- I offer up prayers of thanksgiving for being relieved from watching any more of that "Big Day" crap. My joy is limited and praise muted, however, by the fact that the next show is Ted Danson in "Help Me Help You".
Which sucked. Of course. Ted Danson has been mailing it in for years. But since it didn't suck nearly as much as it could have (and there was some punching, even if it wasn't of Ted), it was tolerable.
10:00 pm -- Boston Legal.
By 10:05 I was ready to help the guy out and shoot Candace Bergen myself, but I couldn't stay awake any longer. So I have no idea what happened later. Then again, since I've never watched the show before, I had no idea what happened earlier. I just developed an instant dislike for everything and everyone associated with the show.
Thank you, Hypnos for relieving me from my suffering.
ABC's Tuesday night lineup! It's Shat-tastic, minus 100% of the tastic!