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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

[O/T] Bailout

November 12, 2008

My Congressman
Washington, DC 20515

Dear Congressman:

Congratulations on your re-election. I look forward to two more years of stupid laws, taxpayer-funded junkets and informative mailings about all the wonderful things you're doing for our home district.

There has been a lot of talk in the media recently about bailouts. I read that you guys approved $700 billion for the big banks and mortgage type lenders. From what I hear, you're about to give tens of billions to the big auto companies so they can avoid bankruptcy. Even the clowns on the Detroit City Council are in on the act, demanding a $10 billion buyout.

You know who you should really bail out?

Me, that's who.

You see, Congressman, it was my vote that got you re-elected. And I'm in serious financial distress. I have had to start eating ramen noodles and drinking domestic light beer. I have found myself unable to prop up the local restaurant industry or national chain retailers. You've read about Circuit City filing for bankruptcy? My doing. I have been completely unable to afford that 42 inch plasma that would have kept them in the black.

So, my friend, you need to bail me out. Here's the best part: It will cost peanuts. I figure $1 billion should be sufficient - that's $699 billion less than those bank people.

If you can get this through, I promise to singlehandedly stimulate the entire economy of our district. Unemployment will fall, factory orders will rise, schoolchildren will resume reciting the Pledge of Allegiance on a daily basis. If it helps sell the deal, I will even promise to focus heavily on buying American.

Let's be honest here. Do you really think that bailing out Detroit is a good idea? I mean, seriously:
Council President Pro Tem JoAnn Watson sponsored the resolution to use the money for public service employment, to fund mass transit plans and to place a moratorium on home foreclosures for two years.
Make-work jobs, light rail to nowhere and a super contribution to the ongoing abandonment of the city and decay of its housing stock that's contrary to state law. Sound like a good idea?

I didn't think so.

Congressman, if we work together we can get this done. Prosperity for all except our children and grandchildren. Since I don't have any, screw 'em.

I look forward to your prompt reply. Oh, and I'll need two IDs with the government's check.

ps: Please extend a hearty F-YOU to the Federal Reserve, Department of Justice and Department of the Treasury for their work on the UIGEA regulations for me. I'd write to them, but until I get my bailout check I can't afford the stamp.

2 comments:

$mokkee said...

the Feds should hook a brotha

up.awesome post man

KenP said...

We have similar blogs but you get the humor award for the day.

I watched all this play out in the steel industry without billions for whatever. Like my blog says, the tax payer is already on the hook for a bunch.

You don't give transfusions so cancers can prosper. You cut them out in as humane a manner as possible.