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Thursday, November 10, 2005

A Love Letter and Other Crap

Good grief. I told the Princess that I was going to have a tough time deciding whether to drink heavily or play PLO tonight. I think both was the answer, but the PLO part was clearly a poor decision - it only took 14 hands to drop a buyin at $25 PLO. One missed monster wrap, one flopped nut boat running into turned quads beetches and I'm knocked way back down into $10 PLO land, where things continue to go badly.

Guess I should have started drinking earlier. Much earlier.


Because I love beating dead equines, a love letter first:

Dear City of Grand Haven:

Sunset Waste picked up my trash at exactly 1:17 pm today.

You'll be pleased to know that I removed my emptied cans from the curb immediately, thereby doing my part to ensure the continued bucolic tranquility of our beloved little town. Keeping nature in balance. Putting the smack down on the riff-raffery, all that.

Good thing I was home for lunch!

Say, I have a question. When you passed that new ordinance dictating that trash cans must be removed from the curb by 7:00 pm the day of pickup, and can't be put out earlier than 5:00 pm the night before, I have to know:


No? No?

Why not?

Don't you ALWAYS think of the children?

Anyhoo, I just want to let you know that I'm doing my part, unlike all those disgraceful deadbeats. You know, those horrible, HORRIBLE people who

* Work an odd shift, like 11:00 to 7:00;
* Work a normal shift, but in Grand Rapids or Lansing or some godforsaken place like Allegan or Kalamazoo;
* Travel out of town on business during the week;
* Have evening meetings at church or school or something and don't get to go home first; or
* Are blind, deaf, mute cripples who don't know what day it is, let alone what time.

Please feel free to fine their sorry asses.

Speaking of which, I wonder if I can set up an account to handle future fines that are sure to be coming my way. You see, I'm going to this shindig in Vegas in December, and I'll be leaving early on the holy Day On Which They Pickest Up The Trash. Because I'll be busy trying to make biblical infants weep, I won't be around between the hours of 1:17pm and 7:00pm on Thursday to retrieve my recepticle.

We have a problem. Do you see why?

Now, I know exactly what you'd like me to do. You'd like me to just generate no garbage during the week before I leave. No work for Sunset Waste, no threat to the very fiber of our democracy that is the act of leaving out a trash can over the weekend. Win-Win, right? There's really only one small problem here - it it really sucks when your garage ends up smelling like somebody died for all of the following week. When I come back from Vegas I'm probably going to be feeling like a dishrag that's been through eleven straight spin cycles, and the smell of week-old banana peels might be enough to push me over the edge.

So can I just send you the $25.00 now? Maybe it'll come in handy, since the giant street and sewer repair millage went down in flames this week (I voted 'Yes' because I love you). If it's a deal, I'd like to see an engraved brick with my name on it set at Waverly and Beechtree, just outside the Clover Bar. I want to be able to show out of town guests the street that my trash can helped repave.

I sure hope that's okay. It would be quite a comedown otherwise.

Say, i'd love to chat some more, but I have to go over to Z-Tire to look at getting Hakkapilitas for my car so as I don't up and kill someone at Taylor and Hillcrest this winter. Hope you understand.

A Homeowner


Note to self: Reading that Dan Jenkins novel would have been a much better idea than this poker crap. Maybe I'll go see if I can come up with some classic bad songs from the 80s, see if I can get Al Can't Hang knocked off his barstool.


Note to readers:


Omatard Update, Day 8

After the smackdown at $25 PL, I got busy rebuilding at $10 and have enough to move back to $25 next time.

Current Level: $25 PLO ($0.10/$0.25 blinds)
14 hands, minus $25.00, ending bankroll $77.02
(bankroll includes 173 hands at $10 PLO, plus $26.75)

Running Totals: 1,753 hands, plus $62.02


Otter Chaos said...


Donkeys alwasy draw.

This is important, no jopke. Phil is a keyboarding mrono.

on_thg said...

you are otterly correct.

(sorry, awful joke, there were enough of those lobbed at you last week in Wil Wheaton's tournament).

Going for readability here, more so than accuracy. Even if it makes this blog even more of a jopke than it already was.

Maudie said...

love the graphic - want that one on a t-shirt! lol 8^)