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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Get It In Hardcover

An excerpt from my upcoming book, Poker For The Short Bus Crowd:

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Chapter 12: How To Be A Rude Home Game Guest

To truly be an advanced short-bus player, you need to know how to be the kind of person people regret inviting to their home games. Thankfully, this is not hard -- I'll make it as easy as possible for you. Just follow these few simple steps:

Step 1: Start by half-inviting yourself to the home game. If you need help on how to do this, see Chapter 4 of Passive Aggressiveness for the Short Bus Crowd, also available in paperback.

Step 2: Grab your luckbox and be sure the switch is locked in the 'ON' position. (If you don't have a luckbox, see Appendix 2, How to Buy, Borrow or Steal Your Own Luckbox)

Step 3: Arrive at the game late and be sure to post immediately. Demand to be able to post if there are any objections. If you're offered the chance to post, decline angrily and wait one hand before posting.

Step 4: Employ our recommended basic "Any Two Cards" strategy (Chapter 2).

Step 5: If you're not having success with that strategy, rebuy and step up your game to the advanced "Play Any Two Cards Against Any Raise" strategy also described in Chapter 2.

Step 6: Get all your chips in the middle, frequently.

Step 7: This is the most important step: Suck out, as often and as brutally as possible. Some recommended examples:

* Crack your host's AA with 4-2 off
* Crack the host's AKo with the Hammer
* Crack brother of the host's KK with AKs (Note: AKs is usually a hand you should throw away, since it never hits in home games and it will make you cry)
* Crack brother of host's turned straight when your A7o boats up on the river.

This strategy is especially valuable when going up against opponents with lots of chips in front of them in pots with multiple callers.

Step 8: Do something really obnoxious, like a victory dance, every time you win a hand. If it's on a suckout, plan on doubling your obnoxiousness.

Step 9: Hit Taco Bell on the way home.

That's all there is to it. If you want to be the kind of person people HATE to invite to their home games, all you have to do is follow these simple guidelines. You can also use this strategy in casinos, which we'll discuss next in Chapter 13, How To Get Kicked Out of Cardrooms.

5 comments:

BG said...

Didn't I email you an invite earlier this week? I totally thought I had done more than "half-invited" you...

And yeah, fuck you and your four deuce offsuit ;)

on_thg said...

Yeah, you did, something along the lines of 'possible home game Saturday'. Nothing about time, zip code, or any of that jazz.

I kid, I kid. Taking creative license for posting purposes. Of course you did. And, by the way, I obviously skipped several of the listed steps (for one, late night Taco Bell? Ugh)

Some people were just lucky I folded the 10-6 sooted.

moheevi said...

Just stumbled on your website, curious as to whether you studied latin or you had studied law or maybe you just like the phrase "res ipsa?" Not a real serious question but I just got done studying res ipsa causation and saw your site on the pokerstars blog contest page. Anyways, cool site man.

Huge Junk said...

He isn't a lawyer, he just tries really hard to use fancy words. In fact, word on the streets is that he sweeps up at the local Piggly Wiggly for a job and lives in his mom's basement.

Boat on the river...

Donkeypuncher said...

That describes half of the people at my home game. You're not the Krazy Korean, are you?