Tired of winning lots of money playing poker? Want to shake up your game with a losing session or two? I can help.
I am a professional.
Here's the condensed version of our two hour, hands on, regularly $199, Masters level course in advanced loserdom: Wait for a lot of premium hands, play them hard, and expect carnage to ensue. Remember at all times that online poker IS rigged and they ARE out to get you.
This isn't just conjecture. It's a fact, Jack. Keep those simple concepts in mind while we go to a case study, which we'll call "How to Drop a Buyin in Less Than One Hour":
In our example, assume that you are "Hero". You are playing reasonably tight at a table full of fairly fishy players. Play aggressively pre-flop, and alternate between aggression and resignation post-flop. If you don't get the following results when you attempt to duplicate this exercise later, lather, rinse, repeat and try again:
Hero's KK loses to Q2 off. Yep, Villain called a raise with Q2 off.
Hero's QQ goes down to AKo. K on the flop, of course, and no J comes to give me a straight.
Hero's QQ is crushed by A6s. Thanks for that ace on the flop.
Hero's AKo loses to Q8s. Not to a flush, to a pair of 8s.
Hero's AKo is destroyed by 53o when a five appears on the river for a pair. That's right, raises and bets called with 53o.
Hero gets JJ. Someone behind inevitably has KK.
Hero pulls the always awesome QQ. WTF? It holds up, in the face of a board of 4-5-6-8 double suited at the turn? This part will NOT be on the test. Villains NEVER fold.
Be sure to call these down, because premium hands are never supposed to lose. To be sure that you don't fold, expect that the internet poker people will give you outs, which won't hit, pot odds to call, or that at the very least they'll give you players who'll play any two cards all the way to the river so you'll feel like your hand might be good. Remember to play hard. Get frustrated, get angry. Both will help you accomplish your goal of having a wicked losing session.
Any questions? No? Good. Class dismissed. You'll be a money losin' fool in no time flat. Good luck.
Your instructor might need to go find a bunch of tequila or something.